2a.
Q
What is the Nixon Theorem?
A
Simply stated:
A. The President doesn't break the law.
B. If the President breaks the law, see A.

Nixon stated this idea in the 1970s as "When the President does it, that means that it is not illegal." He came up with an earlier version of this as a young child, first telling his mother at the age of 5, "If I do it, then it's not wrong." I don't think Nixon's mother had a very favorable opinion of the Nixon Theorem, at least in its earliest form.

2b.
Q
Has the Nixon Theorem been proven?
A
According to Bush, Cheney, Gonzales and Alito, it has, but reportedly the mere mention of it has caused tremors in the ground near the graves of Madison, Jefferson and Hamilton.

3.
Q
What is the "man beast" Bush referred to in his 2006 State of the Union address?
A
Bush himself. No one has yet told George that the scary smirking chimp wearing human clothes that he sometimes sees in White House mirrors is actually himself.

4.
Q
Does George W. Bush believe in evolution?
A
a trick question -- the answer is maybe yes, maybe no. Since the bird flu would have to evolve to create the pandemic Bush has spoken of, George believes in evolution if he can use it as an excuse to declare martial law. But since he himself is not too highly evolved (see previous question), he knows there's a few gaps in the theory.

5a.
Q
What's the original (long) name for The "Federalist" Society?
A
The "Making Clueless Voters Think We Understand The Federalist Papers When We Really Don't Give a Ratsbutt and Didn't Read Them Either" Society

5b.
Q
What's the alternative name for The "Federalist" Society?
A
The "Rich Bastards For Screwing the Poor" Society

6a.
Q
What does Cheney's hunting "accident" prove?
A
Even Cheney's friends aren't safe around him.

6b.
Q
Is it surprising that Cheney couldn't tell the difference between a man and a quail?
A
No -- he couldn't tell the difference between Osama and Saddam either.

7.
Q
Describe port security under the U.A.E.
A
highly Dubaious

8.
Q
Which Vice President supported apartheid and approved of keeping Nelson Mandela in prison?
a) Spiro Agnew
b) Nelson Rockefeller
c) Dan Quayle
d) Dick Cheney
A
d (Cheney's the only one who said so publicly. Maybe the others agreed, but Agnew and Quayle might not have known who Mandela was, and of course Quayle would have had trouble spelling "apartheid.")

9.
Q
Kanye West's statement "George Bush doesn't care about black people" might not be fair. It might be more accurate to say the George Bush cares about black people the way
a) the KKK cares about black people.
b) the Aryan Nation cares about black people.
c) Hitler cared about Jews.
d) Custer cared about the Sioux.
e) all 4 -- a,b,c, and d
A
e -- all 4 (now that's really caring!)

10.
Q
According to Bush Republicans, the best way to support the troops is to
a) cut combat pay
b) close V.A. hospitals
c) underfund the V.A.
d) charge the wounded for their meals at V.A. facilities
e) rotate them endlessly through a combat zone
f) supply them with ineffective weapons and body armor
g) feed them spoiled food and contaminated water
h) make them patrol in unarmored vehicles
i) send them on a dangerous, ill-defined and open-ended mission where they'll become targets
j) all 9 -- a,b,c,d,e,f,g, h and i
A
j -- that's all 9! (at least, this is what they've voted to do)

11.
Q
What did Cheney mean when he told then Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neil that "deficits don't matter?"
A
Deficits don't matter politically -- in other words, most voters are so clueless about the money that we can rob them blind and they won't know where the money went. (Look at how the Bush boys cleaned out the S&Ls in the 1980s!)

12.
Q
When Bush talks about "judicial activists who legislate from the bench," he's referring to judges who
a) do their jobs.
b) disagree with his dictatorial views.
c) refuse to rubber stamp his policies.
d) believe in checks and balances.
e) have integrity and don't take bribes from corporations.
f) all 5 -- a,b,c,d, and e.
A
f -- all 5 (another Bush home run!)

13.
Q
What does the "K" in the Republican K-Street Project stand for?
A
Korruption with a capital "K." (Maybe they can't spell that well, or maybe they just like that letter.)

14.
Q
What do you call the train Karl Rove rides on? (Country musicians should know this one!)
A
The Turd Blossom Special

15.
Q
What's in a name? Well... everyone knows the Vice President is a (a). The former FEMA director got his job because he knew how to do one thing well -- (b) -nose. During the Katrina disaster, the Secretary of State probably said, "Let them eat (c)." The head of Homeland Security could roll up his sleeves, but don't expect him to take his (d). Tom would stop any legislation that might help out those poor people, or at least (e) it. After Tom got indicted, Republicans wanted Roy to replace him because Roy was almost as corrupt, to put it (f)-ly. When the new Representative from Ohio opened her mouth on the floor of the House, she said a bunch of (g) about another member of Congress. Then there's the Republican lobbyist who used his political ties to (h) around a bunch of native American tribes, to the tune of some $70M. Let's not forget the drug-addicted radio personality named (i) who tells you these are all good people. And since early 2001, this country has been (j)-whacked.
A
a - Dick / b - Brown / c - Rice / d - Chertoff / e - DeLay / f - Blunt / g - Schmidt / h - Jack / i - Rush / j - Bush

16.
Q
Match the name with the word or phrase
(each word or phrase is only used once)
Name
Alberto Gonzales / Condoleezza Rice / Michael Brown / Dick Cheney / John Negroponte / George W. Bush / Michael Chertoff / Harriet Miers / Pat Robertson / John Roberts / John Bolton / L. Paul Bremer / Samuel Alito / Rush Limbaugh / Frank Figueroa / Robert Novak / Bill Frist / Scott McClellan
Word or phrase
(a) assassination / (b) missing $9 billion / (c) treason / (d) work wife / (e) cat killer / (f) death squads / (g) fashion god / (h) pet goat / (i) slick corporate lawyer / (j) shoes / (k) of the devil / (l) drinking and hunting / (m) Vanguard / (n) torture / (o) screaming / (p) Official White House Liar / (q) OxyContin / (r) Operation "Predator"
A
Alberto Gonzales - n / Condoleezza Rice - j / Michael Brown - g / Dick Cheney - l / John Negroponte - f / George W. Bush - h / Michael Chertoff - k / Harriet Miers - d / Pat Robertson - a / John Roberts - i / John Bolton - o / L. Paul Bremer - b / Samuel Alito - m / Rush Limbaugh - q / Frank Figueroa - r / Robert Novak - c / Bill Frist - e / Scott McClellan - p

17.
Q
Match the name with the crime
(choose only 1 crime per name, and each crime can be used more than once)
Name
Tom DeLay / Jack Abramoff / Claude Allen / Randy Duke Cunningham / "Scooter" Libby / Bill Frist / Brian J. Doyle / Tony Rudy / Elliot Abrams / Michael Scanlon / David Safavian / Bob Ney / Bill O'Reilly / John Negroponte / Adam Kidan / Jim Ellis / John Poindexter / Ralph Reed / Frank Figueroa
Crime
(a) bribery (taking) / (b) bribery (giving) / (c) money laundering / (d) soliciting sex with children / (e) insider trading / (f) sexual harassment / (g) obstruction of justice / (h) exposure of sexual organs / (i) retail theft / (j) conspiracy to corrupt public officials and defraud clients / (k) lying to Congress / (l) human rights violations / (m) wire fraud / (n) obstruction of Congress
A
Tom DeLay - c / Jack Abramoff - b / Claude Allen - i / Randy Duke Cunningham - a / "Scooter" Libby - g / Bill Frist - e / Brian J. Doyle - d / Tony Rudy - j / Elliot Abrams - k / Michael Scanlon - b / David Safavian - g / Bob Ney - a / Bill O'Reilly - f / John Negroponte - l / Adam Kidan - m / Jim Ellis - c / John Poindexter - n / Ralph Reed - c / Frank Figueroa - h

18.
Q
According to Bush Republicans, which of the following is an impeachable offense?
a) treason (example: revealing classified information for fun, as in Brewster-Jennings and Valerie Plame, or profit, as in the U.A.E. ports deal)
b) wiretapping Americans without a court order (a felony under the F.I.S.A. law)
c) stealing (example: $9 Billion in cash missing in Iraq)
d) dereliction of duty (example: remaining on vacation in the face of an unfolding national catastrophe of historic proportions)
e) war profiteering (example: Haliburton and Carlyle)
f) bribery (example: Jack Abramoff)
g) war crimes (example: invading another country without substantial provocation or cause, such as Iraq)
h) torture (referred to as "cruel and unusual punishment" in the Constitution)
i) paying media outlets to print propaganda aimed at the American people (example: Armstrong Williams)
j) sex in the White House with a gay male prostitute
i) lying about sex in the White House with another consenting adult
A
i (unless done by a Republican -- all those other things don't matter, unless done by a Democrat)

19a.
Q
What were *"Bush-type conservatives" called in 1776?
A
tories

*refers to a group of people who obviously don't hold the traditional conservative values of smaller government, fiscal responsibility and avoidance of unnecessary foreign wars

19b.
Q
What are Bush-type conservatives called in 2006?
A
thieves

20.
Q
What is Dick Cheney's biggest lie?
a) The insurgency is in its last throes.
b) I can pitch too!
c) There can be no doubt Saddam has reconstituted his nuclear program.
d) We will be greeted as liberators.
e) We are going to succeed in Iraq -- I think the evidence is overwhelming.
f) Saddam had an established relationship with al-Qaeda.
g) If we're successful in Iraq, then we will have struck a major blow right at the heart of the geographic base of the terrorists that have had us under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11.
h) The Iraqis provided bomb-making expertise and advice to the al-Qaeda organization.
i) I have not suggested there is a connection between Iraq and 9/11.
j) We found the mobile labs.
k) There's no civil war in Iraq.
l) We're keeping you safe.
m) We kept you safe.
n) We know how to keep you safe.
o) We care about keeping you safe.
p) We're working hard.
q) We've never let up on Osama bin Laden from day one.
r) I'm a good shot.
s) I only had 1 beer.
t) The best man for this job, George, is me.
u) We're going to rebuild New Orleans.
v) I think we are in fact on our way to getting on top of the whole Katrina exercise.
w) (to John Edwards) The first time I ever met you was when you walked on the stage tonight.
x) (about Gitmo) They're very well treated down there. They're living in the tropics. They're well fed.
y) I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same: ...
A
y (all the others are pretty big ones, and you can probably think of many that I didn't put up here, but this one still tops them all, and he said it twice)

4/14/06